girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?