Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I see your IQ test came back negative
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.