girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
You Might Also Like
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now