[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?