GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.