[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Got ya covered
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean