Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.