girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
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guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
giddy up Office Depot
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
These are my emotional support Pringles.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.