Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.