Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
jesus christ confetti not now
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?