girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
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The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.