Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
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So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
How all things should be taught/explained.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving