Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

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ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.


[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT


Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.


In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it


Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.


Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.


She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….


Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.


police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.


The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999