@math_teacher_bf

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

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@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@david8hughes

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

@RealAbishekC

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@IamEnidColeslaw

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

@BitterOldPunk

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

@PhilLaysheO

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

@HeyitsLori

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.