Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift