@RodLacroix Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
@IamJackBoot Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
You Might Also Like
@RodLacroix 
@jonnysun wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
@msevilroyslade Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
@fro_vo UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
@brendohare Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
@MarchForScience People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
@MatCro [phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
@GoodZiIIa doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
@lloydrang By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
@Thuggedraccoon Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste