Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

You Might Also Like


Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.


wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”


Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.


UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes


Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting


People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!


[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly


doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards


By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.


Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste