Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
this post was so formative to me
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.