Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”