@Smethanie

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

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@VibesBummer

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

@StainsQueen

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

@BeerOholic

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

@stahhboy

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

@imence2

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

@

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

@alexblagg

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

@john_self

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

@bmarked21

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

@AngieDavisHaha

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad