Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

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I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?


If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?


Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt


When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.


I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.


Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?


“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now


Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.


From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”


If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad