Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.