girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I wish I could veto my bills.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Nice try Hitler
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming