Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter