girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.