girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…