Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over