Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
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Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Simple enough.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage