Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
What if all the cashiers are married?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.