girls literally only want one thing..
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory