Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren鈥檛 married, I鈥檇 marry you based on these potatoes.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
#Caturday
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
You know who doesn鈥檛 sleep like a baby? Babies.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What鈥檚 the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this