[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!