Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.