Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Bro what is this
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving