girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m not stressed
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
Happy Friday
