girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
iPhone X
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?