giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
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What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I thought this was funny lol
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck