Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.