Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?