@pizza_dragon

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

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@Darlainky

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

@thepunningman

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@_Mo_lee_

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

@lmegordon

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

@TheAlexNevil

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

@KevinFarzad

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

@NourHadidi

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

@Tmoney68

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?