Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
liiiiiiiiike
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
How do dragons blow out candles?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel