Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I put the p in pants.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.