@Brianhopecomedy

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

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@_elvishpresley_

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@JohnLyonTweets

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

@_sweet_ham

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

@QwertyJones3

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

@patnspankme

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

@MomOnFire

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@whatsJo

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

@elunatyk

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.