Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
the composer
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.