Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
OH DEAR GOD RUN
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*
Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?
Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?