Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?