@AmishSuperModel Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
@justabloodygame Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
You Might Also Like
@AmishSuperModel 
@BlindChow “Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
@NickSwardson You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
@PleaseBeGneiss [car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
@Dustinkcouch When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
@bobby [neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
@notacroc RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
@LetMeStart Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
@Contwixt We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
@OakHill_ *Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?