Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.