Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Yeah. This was me today.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Stop.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again