Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?