Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
You Might Also Like
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Banana is the quietest snack
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
The Punning Dead.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.