Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
You Might Also Like
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Oh. My. God.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
#StillHurts
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13