Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.