Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.