Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation