Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*