Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.


if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.


“Release the Kraken!”

“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”

“Release the tuna!”


What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.


“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”



Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …


Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs


[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.