Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
concern
My apartment is a mess, I should move