@Jay1972Jay

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

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@ThatMummyLife

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

@rn_murse

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

@rmfnord

“Release the Kraken!”

“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”

“Release the tuna!”

@Social_Mime

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

@MummaCrazy

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

@rickolantern

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

@figgled

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

@MaxKrimeTV

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.