Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Who chose this font
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up