Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.