Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Time heals everything 🙂
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents