Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?